How to Communicate With Your Ex Without Losing Your Cool

As a divorce coach, one of the most common things my clients say to me is this: “I’m coping… until my ex gets in touch.”

The paperwork may be signed and the relationship technically over, but emotionally, communication with an ex can pull you straight back into old patterns. A single text, missed call or voice note can trigger anger, anxiety, guilt or sadness — sometimes all at once.

Staying calm in these moments isn’t about suppressing your emotions or pretending everything’s fine. It’s about learning how to communicate in a way that protects your nervous system, your boundaries and your progress.

This is what I guide my clients through — and what I’d like to share with you.

Begin With Intention, Not Habit

One of the first things I help clients recognise is how much post-divorce communication happens out of habit rather than necessity.

Before you respond or reach out, ask yourself:

• What is the actual purpose of this interaction?

• Is this about logistics, children or finances?

• Or is it driven by emotion, hope, guilt or familiarity?

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There is nothing wrong with wanting comfort or reassurance — but your ex is no longer the right place to seek it. Understanding why you’re communicating helps you decide whether it’s needed at all, and if so, how to do it safely.

Regulate Your Emotions Before You Respond

If your body reacts the moment you see their name — tight chest, racing thoughts, a knot in your stomach — that’s your nervous system going into threat mode.

In these moments, I always advise clients to pause.

Put the phone down.Take a few slow breaths.Give yourself time.

You don’t need to respond immediately, even if it feels urgent. Calm communication is almost always delayed communication. Space allows your rational mind to re-engage, rather than letting old emotional patterns take over.

Choose the Right Communication Method

How you communicate matters just as much as what you say. Different methods carry different emotional weight, and choosing the right one can prevent unnecessary escalation.

Text Messages: Controlled and Contained

Text messages are often the most manageable form of communication, particularly in the early stages of separation.

I encourage texts for:

• Practical arrangements

• Confirming times or dates

• Brief, factual updates

  
  

Texts allow you to think before responding and avoid emotional intensity. Keep messages short and neutral. You’re not being dismissive — you’re being clear.

If you feel triggered, draft your reply elsewhere first. If it doesn’t need to be said, it doesn’t need to be sent.

Phone Calls: Clear Purpose, Clear End

Phone calls can be useful, but they can also unravel quickly. Tone, interruptions and emotional undercurrents can all turn a simple conversation into an argument.

I suggest calls only when:

• Something is time-sensitive

• The issue is too complex for messages

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Before the call, decide:

• What do I need from this conversation?

• What am I not willing to discuss?

  
  

If the call becomes heated or drifts into emotional territory, it’s okay to end it.

You’re not obliged to stay on the line to keep the peace at the cost of your own.

Voice Notes: Emotionally Charged Territory

Voice notes can feel intimate, and that’s exactly why they can be difficult. Hearing someone’s voice can trigger emotions you thought you’d worked through.

My advice is to be cautious.

• Keep voice notes short and factual

• Avoid them when emotions are high

• Don’t feel pressured to reply in the same format

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If voice notes leave you feeling unsettled, it’s reasonable to ask for communication to stay in writing instead.

Email: Distance and Clarity

Email is often the most emotionally neutral option, and I frequently recommend it when boundaries need reinforcing.

Best used for:

• Finances

• Co-parenting arrangements

• Ongoing practical matters

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Emails allow you to be clear, structured and calm. Write them as though a third party might read them — factual, polite and to the point.

Keep the Past Out of the Present

One of the hardest but most important lessons after divorce is this: communication with your ex is not the place to process the relationship.

Revisiting old arguments, defending your choices or hoping for validation usually leads to more pain, not resolution.

If conversations begin circling back to:

• Who was at fault

• Why things ended

• Old emotional wounds

  
  

It’s okay to step back. Closure often comes from acceptance, not explanation.

Set Boundaries — and Enforce Them

Boundaries are essential for emotional safety after divorce.

This may look like:

• Limiting communication to specific topics

• Choosing one method of contact

• Ending conversations that become personal or hostile

  
  

A boundary is only effective if it’s upheld. You don’t need to justify it repeatedly — consistency does the work for you

Recognise When Silence Is Healthier

Not every message needs a response. This can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to smoothing things over or explaining yourself.

Silence can be:

• A boundary

• A pause

• A form of self-respect

  
  

If communication consistently leaves you feeling anxious, drained or destabilised, reducing contact where possible is not avoidance — it’s care.

Final Thoughts

As a divorce coach, I want you to know that struggling with communication after separation is incredibly common. You’re not failing — you’re adjusting.

Learning to communicate with your ex without losing your cool is a process. It takes awareness, practice and self-compassion. But every calm response, every boundary held, and every pause taken is a step towards emotional freedom.

You’ve already survived the divorce. Now it’s about learning how to protect your peace as you move forward.